H50 FIC: I Can't Be Who You Are

[kitmerlot_1213]

Title: I Can’t Be Who You Are
Author: Kathy
Word Count: 3187
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Paring: Steve/Danny
Genre: Preslash/UST; angst
Rating: "R" for swearing

Disclaimer: This story is for fun and no profit.  I do not own any of the characters from Hawaii Five-0--I'm just borrowing them briefly.

Summary: Thoughtless words from Steve wreak havoc on Danny's confidence.

A/N:  This was written for the After Holiday Prompt Fest at stevedannoslash/ My prompt was #7, Danny thinks he'll never measure up to Super SEAL Steve, not realizing that Steve's in love with him.

I Can't Be Who You Are

Danny Williams was not a man prone to being overdramatic or hysterical. You didn't become a detective in the Newark PD with 87 solved homicide cases under your belt if you fell apart in a crisis.

Yes, he was fully aware that he had a tendency to speak loudly and use emphatic hand gestures when he was trying to make a point, but when a situation needed a calm, cool and collected head, Danny was your man.

He was also the kind of person who made it a habit to always be truthful with himself, and the truth was, he had more then platonic feelings for his partner.

It didn't take him long to realize that he was more focused on his partner then was proper for two men who ere friends.

And Danny was a good enough detective to figure out that somewhere between ranting at Steve about his difficulties with following police procedures and helping him hunt down thieves, gunrunners and murderers, he'd developed a bit of a crush on the man.

At first, he'd completely freaked out, practically running out of Five-0 headquarters when he found himself watching Steve take off his t-shirt for what seemed like the fifth time that day.

When all that tanned and muscular flesh came into view with just the quickest flash of ink, Danny's mouth went dry, his heartbeat sped up and his palms started to sweat.

It took him exactly two seconds to remember that the only other time he had the same reaction was the first time Rachel smiled at him and he realized he was attracted to her.

But Danny being the stubborn person he was did not give into his feelings and start pining. Or worse yet, decide to make a move and probably ruin the best working relationship he'd ever had.

No, instead Danny choose to ignore any and all romantic interest in one Lieutenant Commander Steven J. McGarrett.

Or at least he tried.

Steve's smile still got to him, especially when it was aimed at him in all of its dazzling glory. He still noticed that Steve's eye color changed with whatever shirt he wore and he still found it absurdly endearing when Steve would duck his head and laugh at something Danny said.

He still worried and shouted when Steve would just dash into dangerous situations without a care in the world, and while he would die first before ever admitting this to Steve, there was a secret part of him that enjoyed it when Steve would pull one of his action hero/ninja moves and put a beat down on the criminals for daring to commit crimes on his island.

So all in all, Danny was convinced he was doing a damn good job of covering his true feelings for his friend and partner.

But then the Governor herself handed them their new case and it threw Danny into an emotional tailspin.

Apparently, a Doctor Erica Lang, working under a contract for the US government, was a domestic terrorist and manufacturing biological weapons.
She'd gone underground and the Governor wanted her task force to find the doctor and bring her to justice.

Danny could feel a knot start in his stomach at the word 'biological weapon' and just the thought of anything that deadly being anywhere near his daughter made him physically ill.

He knew that it was up to him and the rest of the team to keep Grace and the rest of the greater Honolulu area safe from harm. And what was needed was a strong and decisive plan of attack.

Danny immediately turned to Steve to start formulating a plan as quickly as possible, but it would seem that SuperSEAL didn't agree.

Oh Steve, had a plan, but he was not up to sharing it with the class and when Danny realized this, his blood started to boil.

Danny did his best to push his worry for Grace in the back of his mind and instead he focused on the ridiculousness of the situation.

He sarcastically asked Chin and Kono–while ignoring the two obviously military types standing on the other side of the Five-0's war room--if they wanted to be apprised of Steve's strategy.

Kono, bless her heart, pointed out that, 'Come to think of it, a map would be very much appreciated.'

One with carefully drawn out coordinates and colorful stickers.

Steve's expression clearly stated 'back off'', but Danny wasn't listening to that or his inner voice telling him to calm down.

He hated it when Steve went into SuperSEAL-mode and started pulling his 'any and all information will be given out on a need to know basis and no one needs to know' bulshit.

The Five-O was a team and Steve had no right to cut them out of the loop, and Danny was working doubly hard to swallow down his own hurt feelings at Steve's refusal to talk to him.

He steadfastly refused to acknowledge his secret worry that Steve didn't think he could handle an operation of this magnitude.

Instead he concentrated on his anger and he deliberately stepped away from Steve because he felt the overwhelming urge to punch the superior attitude out him.

'He's just going overboard' Danny reasoned with himself. 'He doesn't mean to be an intolerant asshole. He just wants to keep his island and its' inhabitants safe.'

Feeling relatively calmer, Danny walked back to Steve, deciding to try to pry more information out of him.

What he didn't expect was for Steve to admit to having little to no use for him.

Danny asked to speak to Steve privately and the two went into Steve’s office.

But Steve had barely sat down before he dropped his little bombshell of an announcement and Danny didn't know if it was Steve’s nonchalantly cool reply that made him angrier or the words themselves.

He tried to keep his voice in an even tone but he failed miserably. "I'm sorry Steve, I must be having trouble with my ears: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??!!"

"I said we’ve got this, Danny. You don’t need to come along."

Danny’s hands went indignantly to his hips while he glared defiantly at his friend. "'Don’t need to come along?!' Are you kidding me with this shit? Last time I checked, we were partners and partners check out leads together."

Steve winced slightly at hearing the aggravation in Danny's voice, but he still barely glanced up from where he was filling up the pockets of his cargo pants with extra clips for his service weapon.

Danny could also see what looked like a high level Swiss Army knife, two grenades and five Chinese stars also get stashed away.

Steve paused while he took a deep breath, and looked up straight into Danny's eyes before replying, "Look, don't worry about it. Lt. Burke and Ensign Cummiskey will be my back up."

Danny clenched his jaw in anger, feeling his resentment burn at hearing the names of the two Naval Intelligence officers.

He hadn't liked them from the start because there was barely any difference between them. They both had closely cropped brown hair, were the same height, and they both eerily wore the same weirdly self-congratulatory facial expression.

And Danny was nothing if not honest with himself. What he actually didn't like was how Steve seemed to change in the military mens presence.

Steve became less of his friend and more of the fifteen year Navy vet and it was in the SEALS where he perfected his 'act first and sort out the bodies later' credo.

But Steve was learning restraint or at least the qualities of waiting for more information before rushing head first into danger.

Okay, he was still working on that, but Danny knew he was trying to be less headless of potential harm.

But now that he was back around military types again, that recklessness was making a very unneeded return.

Danny was so deep in thought that he almost missed it when Steve started speaking again.

"The Governor has asked us to specifically clean this up quickly and to work with the military on apprehending Dr. Lang. This strategic op calls for their special training and I’m afraid you’ll be more of a hindrance then a help."

It took him a moment for Steve’s words to wash over him, but when they did, he could feel his face drain of color. He tried not to let his true hurt feelings show but there was no disguising the anguish in his voice when he asked, "Did you just say 'hindrance?'"

He noticed that Steve was carefully not looking him in the eye when he answered back through his clenched teeth, "Don't get so bent out of shape. Dealing with military types takes a certain finesse."

Danny snorted derisively as he clutched his shaking hands together, "Ah yes, I'd forgotten I was dealing with the slickest operator around. Tell me, when you find Dr. Lang, will you be throwing her into a shark cage to get her to talk?"

"I could always strap her to the hood of my car," Steve shot back.

"Please, that only works with would-be gun-runners, not domestic terrorists."

Steve was momentarily startled and Danny could see his partner's mouth twist up as he tried gamefully to stop himself from smiling, but he quickly smoothed out his expression and straightened his shoulders. "You're not trained for counter-terrorism and I can't use you on this team."

Danny simply stared back at his partner. "So that's that? 'I can't use you on the team?'"

He swallowed again, trying to mask his pain by going for his usual sarcastic reply. "I'm not allowed to come along on your super-secret spy mission?"

At that, Steve's head snapped up. "Fuck you, Danny! Peoples lives are at stake!"

"No shit, Steve, that's why you need my help! I may not know sixteen ways to kill a man using Crisco and a pen knife but I am still a damn good detective."

Just then Lt. Burke poked his head into Steve's office. "Ready to roll Commander?"

Steve nodded to the Lieutenant, "Let's move out."

But Danny couldn't just let them go without one last ditch effort at reaching Steve. "So what's the plan exactly? You just going to Lang's house and asking to see her secret lab?"

Lt. Burke looked nonplused at Danny's attitude but Steve's face darkened in anger. "Yes, we are going to go to Fort Shafter, but not to Dr. Lang's house. There are several unused labs there and I'm sure we'll find the one she's using relatively easily."

"There is no way she's using a lab at the Fort," Danny said incredulously. "If she truly is a terrorist making bio-weapons, she'd do it in hiding."

"Danny, you're thinking like a cop. Dr. Lang isn't a cop, she's a..."

"Mad scientist hell-bent on the world's destruction," Danny interrupted. "So the rules of logic don't apply?"

Just then Ensign Cummiskey appeared next to Lt. Burke. "Commander, we're ready to move out when you are."

Steve nodded brusquely, and with one final speaking look in Danny's direction, he left his office, flanked by the two military officers.

~~~

Fifteen minutes later, Kono and Chin found Danny seated on the couch in Steve's office, his head in his hands. They sat on either side of their friend, a little unsure of how to precede.

It was finally Chin or broke the silence, reaching out to rest his hand on Danny's back. "What's going on brah?"

It took Danny a minute before he was able to answer. "Apparently, Ste...," he interrupted himself, "No, McGarrett considers me to be a hindrance." He let out a bitter laugh before lapsing into silence again.

The two cousins exchanged looks over the blonde detective's head. This time Keno spoke. "Did Steve say..."

But Danny bolted out of his seat and turned to face his friends. "He and the other G.I. Joes are dead wrong with how they are handling this. The lab where Dr. Lang's making the bio-weapons will not be found at Fort Shafter. We need to pull Lang's financials and search for any unusual money transactions."

The words were barely out of his mouth before Chin and Keno were moving towards the computer table in the war room, intent on following Danny's lead.

~~~

It didn't take them long to figure out that Lang rented a house under her maternal grandmother's name and with a quick phone call to HPD for backup and another one to the military police, Danny, Chin and Keno arrested Dr. Lang and her lab assistants, Military Police quarantined the house and all chemical weapons were stored safely to be hopefully destroyed later.

Chin and Keno congratulated Danny on his superior detective work and the cousins made sure that all of the police within their hearing knew that it was Danny who solved the case and apprehended the bad guy.

Danny wished that he could be as jubilant as Chin and Keno were but Steve's words kept coming back to him, that he was a hindrance and not badass enough for military operations.

He tried not to let the other man's opinion of him mean that much to him, but it was a crushing blow to find out just how little Steve thought of him. All this time he thought he and Steve were building a friendship and partnership, that they respected and even liked each other and it turns out that Steve was barely tolerating him.

He felt punched in the gut as the enormity of what that meant finally hit him. Steve had never been his friend, had never valued his partnership or detective abilities.

He wondered why Steve just didn't go back to the SEALS, because it would seem only Navy personnel were deemed good enough to work with now.

As if on cue, Danny's phone started to ring and Steve's picture flashed up, but Danny couldn't face seeing him. He asked Chin and Keno to finish processing Dr. Lang and her cronies and then he headed for home.

~~~~

But of course Steve could never leave well enough alone and half an hour later he was knocking on Danny's door, a determined expression on his face.

He contemplated pretending not to be home when Steve started yelling through the door. "I know you're in their Danny! Let me in, we need to talk."

Danny rolled his eyes. Of course this was when Steve wanted to shoot the breeze, not while the investigation was on-going.

He pulled open his front door, grabbed Steve by his arm and yanked him inside. "Jesus Christ, McGarrett, could you be any louder?!"

Danny noticed that Steve carried a pizza box, one from the place that Danny liked and that Steve, Chin and Kono said was only for tourists.

He pushed the thought out of his mind that this was some sort of peace offering and he dropped Steve's arm and stepped away from him--well as far as his postage sized stamp of a living room would allow--and waited for Steve to speak.

He didn't have to wait for long. Steve placed the pizza box on top of Danny's kitchen counter before turning back and facing his friend. "I brought you the pizza you like," he volunteered.

He didn't have to look at Danny's face to know that his friend was annoyed with him and Steve quickly rushed out a breath. "Look man, I'm sorry. I should have listened to you about where Dr. Lang was hiding out."

Danny could feel a sharp pain in his chest as disappointment ran through him. Steve's hopeful expression darkened as he watched Danny's posture sag and he almost curled into himself.

Before he could stop himself Steve crossed the room and grabbed Danny by the shoulders, forcing the smaller man to look him in the eye. "Danny, what's happened? Why are you so upset?"

Danny tried to step away but Steve had an iron grip on him and as angry and hurt as he was at his partner, he didn't actually want to hurt Steve by trying to break free of his grip

He finally stopped resisting and closed his eyes in defeat. When Danny opened them again, Steve was taken aback by the anguished pain he saw reflected in their blue depths.

"It's you Steve, you're what happened."

At Danny's whispered confession, Steve wordlessly pulled his friend in for a hug and just held him. Danny allowed himself to be held but refused to completely sink into Steve's arms and Steve could feel that Danny was holding himself aloof from him

He cursed inwardly but knew that it was time for him to speak the truth and fix the problems that were between them.

Steve let go of his partner but didn't step back. "Danny, I..." he started to speak but he faltered, unsure of where to begin. 'What the hell', he thought to himself, Danny was always getting on him for going in too hot and not thinking things through, but tonight, tonight he had a feeling that flying by the seat of his pants was exactly the way to go.

"I love you," he blurted out and he could feel his eyes go wide. Danny went stock still and tilted his face to look up at Steve, his eyes equally wide. But now that the dam was broken, every feeling Steve had been trying for months to suppress came bursting out.

"I know this is sudden, but I've had feelings for you for quite some time, and I know that you can never return them, but I still love you. And I want to keep this place safe for you and for Grace and that's why I didn't want you going to get Dr. Lang with me, what if one of weapons went off and then Grace wouldn't have her dad and you'd be lost to me forever and..."

But at that Danny interrupted. "That's why you cut me out of the investigation? You were trying to protect me?! Of all the stupid... I thought you didn't..." and Danny suddenly stopped talking.

But Steve seemed to know that this was important and he urgently reached out and again clutched Danny's shoulders. "What Danny, you thought what?"

"That you didn't think I was good enough," Danny whispered again.

This time when Steve pulled him in for a hug, Danny wrapped his arms around Steve and hugged him back just as fiercely. Neither man was too sure how long they stayed that way, but Steve's stomach chose that moment to growl in hunger and the two broke apart. They shared a quick laugh and then Danny formerly asked, "Would you care to stay for dinner Steven?"

Steve smiled and ducked his head, overjoyed at being called 'Steven' again. "Why yes Daniel, I would love to."

The two men exchanged quick grins and moved together towards the kitchen, in perfect unison.

They still had a lot to talk about, but Danny knew they were finally on the right track together.

END