FIC: Sour Times

[kitmerlot_1213]

Title: Sour Times
Author: Kathy
Rating: PG 13 Pairings:
Chlex Spoilers: None this short story is totally AU and a future fic
Category: Humor/Parody
Summary: Lex and Chloe, happily married, have a visitor from their past in Smallville.
Disclaimer: This story is purely for fun and no profit. I don't own Smallville or any of its characters.
A/N: Originally posted at Naughty-Seduction the Chlex fan site. This is my entry for the May Challenge "Secrets" at NS.  All fics have to pertain to the given theme, and be between 800 to 1500 words, and Chlex has to be at the center of the story.  Please tell me what you think.

Sour Times

Mr. And Mrs. Alexander Luthor were enjoying a quiet afternoon at home when their butler Vlad announced that a Miss Lana Lang wished to see them.

Chloe and Lex exchanged curious looks before Lex nodded to Vlad to allow their former friend entrance.

The couple hadn't seen any of their Smallville friends since the day they had announced their engagement, more then four years ago. Clark, Lana and even Lois stopped speaking to Chloe when she revealed that she had been secretly seeing Lex for an entire year.

Predictably, they felt that Chloe had betrayed their trust when she didn't confide in them about her feelings for the billionaire. Chloe patiently explained that it wasn't any of their business who she was in a relationship with.

So, instead of trusting in her judgement, her three friends turned on her, calling her a traitor and Lex Luthor's spy.

In fact, the only people from Smallville truly happy for them was Chloe's dad, Gabe and Martha Kent and as far as Lex and Chloe were concerned, that was all that mattered.

So, it was a huge shock for them that Lana Lang was knocking on their door, asking to talk to them.

Vlad walked into the study, holding open the door for an obviously distraught Lana.

She barely acknowledged Chloe or Lex before collapsing onto their couch, crying hysterically.

This time the couple exchanged helpless glances and then Chloe bravely stepped forward. She smiled gently at Lana and asked in her most soothing voice, "Lana, is anything the matter?"

Lana looked up, tears flowing messily down from her red rimmed eyes. "Please, I need help. I..I.. don't understand what this paper means."

Chloe gave the emotional woman some tissues, while Lana handed an obviously battered document to Lex.

He held up the paper for his wife to see, and shook his head in amusement. "Lana, what happened to this contract? It looks like a dog chewed on it and spit it back up!"

Lana wrinkled her face in distaste at the image Lex's words created. "No, I threw the paper out but the townhouse manager told me I had to fill it out."

She turned imploring eyes on them, trying her best to look helplessly feminine, despite her blotchy face. "You are the two smartest people I know and I came here, hoping you'll be able to explain it to me."

Chloe forced herself not to roll her eyes at Lana's display and instead patted her former friend's arm comfortingly. "Alright, just give us a moment to read it."

But Lex was already finished reading and Chloe could tell he was trying not to laugh. He had to clear his throat several times before he succeeded in stifling his mirth. "Lana, I'm not sure what your misunderstanding about this document is. It's a simple renter's contract."

His only answer was Lana's puzzled silence.

Lex frowned slightly and Chloe quickly intervened. "You know, it's the contract you sign when you rent an apartment, or in your case, a townhouse. The contract explains what you are liable for in case of an damages, how much your rent and utilities are. How much your..."

Lana interrupted Chloe's speech, confusion marring her features. "I'm sorry Chloe, but did you say 'Rent'?"

Chloe smiled uncertainly as she spook. "Yes, rent. What a person has to pay each month so that they have a place to live."

Lana's mouth opened and closed several times but she couldn't even squeak any response out. Chloe glanced over at her husband to ask if he knew what to do, when she saw his guilty face.

She took a deep, fortifying breath before she could ask, "Lex, what's going on?"

He stepped forward and took his wife's hand in his, "I'm sorry, Chloe, but I've been keeping a huge secret from you." He looked over at their former friend and continued, "It's about Lana."

When he saw that he both women's complete attention, he began to speak. "Lana, your aunt Nell has been paying your rent for the past ten years."

Chloe and Lana gasped at the same time and Lex continued to speak. "She knew that no one would ever be able to put up with you as a roommate, so she had to make it financially solvent for them to take you in."

Lana shook her head in denial. "That's not true, I lived with Chloe and her dad for a year and half and Mr. Sullivan never once asked me for any money."

"That's because Nell offered him a thousand dollars a month to let you stay with him and Chloe," Lex responded.

He turned to Chloe, "Remember how your dad bought a new car and your college fund suddenly increased when Lana moved in?"

Chloe nodded, comprehension dawning. "And we got the bathroom remodeled and Dad bought that diamond mine."

She shook her head, smiling in understanding. "Now I know why he cried himself to sleep that first week Lana moved to Paris."

Lex smiled back at Chloe, "And Nell paid me fifteen hundred dollars to let Lana live in The Talon apartment and she paid Clark five thousand dollars to let her stay at the Kent farm."

Chloe snorted in amusement. "So that's how Clark was able to afford that new milking machine!"

Husband and wife grinned at each other, but then Lex shook his head resignedly, "Of course, Nell's now completely destitute and living on the streets, but she swears it was worth it."

He then turned a pitying gaze onto Lana. "It's time for you to join the real grown up world, Lana."

By this time Lana had stood up, clearly agitated. "I'm not too sure what you're both going on about, but I don't pay rent."

She paused for dramatic effect. "I'm Lana Lang!"

And with that, she flounced out the door.

Chloe and Lex watched her leave the room, too shocked to actually reply.

Finally, Chloe was able to speak. "What do you think she'll do?"

At Lex's quizzical eyebrow lift, Chloe explained. "She doesn't think she has to pay rent to live somewhere."

Lex snorted derisively. "She'll probably just advertise in The Planet!"

A week later Chloe was reading The Daily Planet when she came across an ad in the classifieds: Lana Lang looking for a place to stay. Kindly leave resumes at the Women's Shelter at 54th and Chrenshaw. Will accept the best offer.

A/N: At NS, there were some reviews that called my fic "Lana bashing" and I just want to say that I wasn't trying to bash the character as much as I was making fun of the Smallville writers ridiculous Lana-worship.

And in that spirit, I really tried to make the story as absurd, as humorous, as over the top and as "implausible" as I could, so if it made anyone laugh then I'm glad it worked. I mean, Gabe bought a diamond mine–a DIAMOND MINE?

Lastly, I really think Lana's either going to realize that she has to get a job and pay her own way, or she'll live in that shelter for the rest of her life, because short of Prince William offering her the use of a castle, I don't think Lana will think any offer is good enough for her :)

Comments

[miss-morrygan.livejournal.com]

XD that's been a great persiflage of the Lana religion! Nell homeless because of the *please-take-in-Lana* payments is fun and Gabe crying himself to sleep even better!^^

[kitmerlot1213.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading and I appreciate the review:)

And yes, Nell is now a street person but she doesn't care because Lana doesn't live with her anymore :):)

[eternal-moonie.livejournal.com]

Absolutely AWESOME fic!!

[kitmerlot1213.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'm glad that you liked it :):)

[brittany2922.livejournal.com]

Love this! Great job =)

[kitmerlot1213.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading and reviewing, I do appreciate it :)

[scifichick774.livejournal.com]

LMAO! This was hilarious.

In regards to your a/n - I think you're right. You were calling the SV writers/producers out on their Lana worship rather than actually bashing the character. There's so much more you could have done if you just wanted to be mean to Lana. (And, quite honestly, most of it would be justified because of the way they wrote her.)

[kitmerlot1213.livejournal.com]

Thanks Kris for reading and reviewing--I do appreciate it a great deal :)

The SV writers did a terrible disservice to the Lana character and yet they are at a loss as to why she is so hated--read your own scripts hacks!

[latetothpartyhp.livejournal.com]

You should write an epilogue in which the Goughlar answer her ad...

[kitmerlot1213.livejournal.com]

Oh man, that is an awesome idea, and you know that Lana would revel in the attention :)

[cheerful-earl.livejournal.com]

Ha! Hilarious. You definitely got the Lana-worship by the writers, I think. Nice job! :D

[kitmerlot1213.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading and reviewing--I appreciate the feedback :):)

[purple-moon123.livejournal.com]

OMG!!! LOLarious!!!

I just love that every time Lana moved Nell had to increase the payments!!! And of course what everyone bought with their Lana money.

Thanks for laugh!!!

[kitmerlot1213.livejournal.com]

I love that Gabe bought a diamond mine with his "Lana money." :):)

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

And I love your Chlex icon :)